Starting Over

The last 12 months have been hard work.

I am a private person, and do not share my thoughts and feelings easily; I do not share my problems very well, and it takes a lot to trust people with these things.  It is not easy to even admit that I have problems, I am usually 'all right' when asked.

So this is part of my healing process, letting some of the things that have been in my head out: I don't care if no-one reads this, or if no-one believes this. It's not for anyone else's benefit but mine.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder about 12 years ago, my own black dog. She has followed me, nipping at my heels ever since.  But for the most part, I have tamed her, until lately.

Last time my black dog had her jaws around my throat, I was in an abusive relationship.  Between that person (who will remain nameless-names have power) and the dog, I became convinced that I was useless, a failure-both as a person and as a mother- and there was no escape from the hellish existence of being called a 'pet freak' or that 'I needed to be controlled' or that 'the only reason my children were not in care was because I was with her'.  Even when social services became involved, it was still all my fault.  I do not want to go there- suffice to say, my ex was a very good liar, and the world believed her over me, and I was treated like a criminal, while she (the abuser) was treated like a Hero for putting up with my mental illness, and caring for my children.  Meanwhile, I worked nights, and saw only her during the days, and my black dog had plenty of chances to eat away my self-worth, just as my ex did.

Luckily, I found someone who saw past that darkness.  Jane quite literally saved my life.  I honestly can say that I would have committed suicide if she had not become part of my life then.  (Thank you Jane, you will never know just how much you have done for me.)  Leaving that relationship was one of the hardest things I have ever done;I felt reliant on her, had been told that my children were only with me because I was with her, and was terrified that social services would take them away if I was not- a feeling that has never gone away.  I am still scared to be affectionate with my kids, still terrified that I am a bad parent, and that Social Services will be knocking at the door to remove them.  She also helped me get past the abuse I suffered as a child, something that had haunted me.  One of the best days of my life was when HE died.  Even though I had confronted him about it, it was still there.

It was a long road, taming my dog was hard.  It involved tears, hours at a time of wrestling with my own thoughts, learning to ignore the remembered insults that my stupid brain would send to visit me at odd times.  But eventually, and with Jane's invaluable help, I did.  I stopped taking medication, stopped seeing a CPN; I realised that I needed to get past this, not using drugs to mask the problems. And it worked.

It has been 10 years since I opened my heart and soul to Jane.  Nearly 10 years since I got out of that relationship.  10 years of being treated like I am a worthy human being, who can achieve anything...and for the most part, it has been wonderful, and I have achieved things I never believed possible.  Dreams of studying, dreams of degrees, dreams of happiness, they have all come true.

I'm not entirely certain what changed inside me this time last year, but something did.  I don't know if it was the long-standing problems with my eldest daughter, or whether I just got mentally tired, but something happened.  I have spent swathes of time battling to keep that dog from my throat, of not being able to stop my brain from revisiting those insults that made me believe I was a faulty, failing, waste of space and that I should just die.  I started taking medication again, wrapping myself up in a medicine bubble, nothing getting near me, no emotions affecting me.  For a while, it helped, but not feeling negative emotions was offset by the loss of positive ones, and I drew away from Jane, and the kids, and going to university, and interacting with society in general.  So, that had to go.  

I have been relearning all those coping techniques I thought I would not need again, and I am struggling.  I have days where it feels too hard, and I just cry at everything (no really, TV adverts, conversations, pictures, songs, getting out of bed, my dog Tai being old, my dog Poppy being old, my other dog Saffron being mistreated by her previous owner, my children being unkind...the list goes on). I have had to revisit the fear of my children being taken away, when my dad's girlfriend rang them about my eldest daughter.  To be fair, I hoped it would mean that they would see that Jane and I have been trying to deal with a difficult situation with her, and that there might be some help....but instead I feel blamed again, and wait for the doorbell to ring for social services to take my kids into care.

I have lost contact with my dad, the second most important man in my life (and there are only two men I would lay down and die for, my dad and my son) through the worst time I have had for years, cannot visit him, and he has his own black dog, which I guess means he cannot visit me.  His girlfriend screamed at me down the phone last time I spoke to her, so I cannot even ring him...

So, here I am.  Hermit like, at home most of the time, too scared to go out and mix with a society I think hates me, even though the rational part of my brain tells me that is paranoia.  I sit for days in my bedroom, or in my attic office, working on a PhD that I use as a beacon of hope in the darkness, reminding myself continually that this means I am not worthless, that I am capable of doing this, that I am intelligent and rational and worth being alive.

But I can't find much to smile about, there is no laughter most of the time, just a black dog with its jaws around my throat that I struggle to stop closing and stopping me seeing any light.

I do not want pity, I don't care if you do not believe me.  I know it is true, and this is part of me dealing with my dog.  Maybe she won't have as much power if I show her to the world at large and I stop pretending everything is fine, when it is not.

The Effects of the Past

This is a hard thing for me to write about, but I know the importance not keeping quiet.  I am a survivor of domestic abuse; I was not beaten up, there was no black-eyes or bruises for the world to see, but it was still abuse.

It was a long time ago now; I got into a relationship after my marriage broke up and the person (I will not name any names, I know who they are - and so do they) seemed wonderful.  They were attentive, loving, caring and everything that my husband had not been - until we moved in together.

By the time we had been living together for a year, I could not recognise myself.  I went from being outgoing and friendly to being almost agoraphobic and frightened to interact with other people.  I became convinced - based on being told continually - that I had mental health problems, so went to see a doctor.  My partner came too and told the doctor, while I was sitting there that I was a compulsive liar.  The doctor believed everything that was said to her - and I suppose she had no reason to think any differently.  I ended up taking anti-depressants and being diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder - mostly based on conversations with my partner - not me, as I was supposed to be constantly telling lies. 

The worst part of it was my kids.  Social services became involved with things - as I was, according to my partner, incapable of caring for them.  I was told, very clearly, that the only reason they were not taken away from me was that I was with my wonderfully supportive partner.  I felt trapped; I knew my kids were not safe - but they were only with me of the person that they needed protecting from.  I tried to ask friends for help - but that compulsive liar thing made them go straight to my partner and tell them.  I ended up putting my kids in care, voluntarily; it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.  When they came home, I had to undertake parenting lessons, and be treated like a criminal.  Now, from the perspective of the social workers, I can understand why.  But, on a personal level - I was so very unhappy.  I was controlled - completely.  If I said anything against my partner - that wonderful supportive person who stopped me from hurting myself or my children - I was dismissed as lying.

Eventually, I found someone who was able to help me.  I stopped taking the pills and found the strength to leave my partner.  It has taken many, many years for me to find some peace in my life - to understand that I was abused and that the person doing it was very good at covering it up to the rest of the world and that I rationally have no reason to feel guilty for anything.  But, I will never forget being called their pet freak.

The effect of being mentally abused has taken its toll on the rest of my life though.  I am so very shy now.  I have severe confidence problems and as for trust...

And the kids - they have grown up with a mother who is frightened of everything - and everyone.  If I am feeling frightened, I apologise constantly.  I still jump like a rabbit if I think I have done something, and feel guilty for everything that goes on around me.  They suffer the effects of me being abused - despite me trying my hardest not to let it.

Abuse is not just about fists - and not just about there and then.  It is a long time since I left that abusive relationship - but I am still suffering - and so are my family.  

Castle Park

It feels like I have neglected this blog - so to make up for it there is a double post today!

Most locals will know that someone set the Pavillion in Castle Park on fire and that it was razed to the ground.  The council have put a temporary building there to allow the Bowling Club and the cafe to function in the short term.

I think that from this heinous event, there is the possibility to bring the Park back to some of its former glory.  Behind the pavillion, there was a paddling pool.  Everyone I have spoken to has fond memories of it; adults remember taking children there and going there as children themselves.  I personally do.  I remember it being a busy, fun place where we could play while our parents looked on.  I remember taking my own children there too.  Maybe this could be fixed at the same time as the pavillion?

There is a movement bubbling away that is trying to do just this.  There are events being organised over the next few months to try to raise money to make a splash pool in the place where the paddling pool lies unused; jets of water could shoot from the ground and children could once again play in the park.  

What an idyllic suggestion!

What are the events?  There is to be a Car Boot Sale on 27 May at the Rugby Club.  There is a midnight sponsored walk on 1st June and there is a Fun Day, in Castle Park on 10th June.

Can you help?  Eden is an amazing community, which rises to challenges in its path - so lets do it!

Pride

My name is Dawn Stobbart and I am a Councillor on Eden District Council – but please, don’t hold that against me!  I was elected onto the Council last May for the area in which I live, Penrith West; I grew up spending a lot of time here and have lived here for the past 8 years as an adult, so I can honestly say I am intimately familiar with the area. 

                Penrith, and the Eden Valley, I think is one of the most beautiful places in Britain and its beauty is quite breathtaking; sitting on the shore of Ullswater looking towards the Lakeland Fells is unparalleled for its tranquillity and beauty and Penrith, with its history and setting is a jewel in the Crown of the Lake District.

Living in Penrith, I have noticed a change over the last few years in the way that we are living and interacting with our environment and each other.  I grew up in a town where there was a sense of community; where people smiled at each other and said hello to total strangers and events were held that fostered this sense of community.  I remember that Castletown had its own Pageant and we all went to the ‘Rec’ for the day; the older people went on organised trips and there was always help if a person needed it and it saddens me that this is disappearing from the town, little by little. 

                So, one of the first things I did when I was elected onto the council was to send out a leaflet saying that I wanted to start up a Neighbourhood Forum, for the residents of my ward to try to do something for the immediate locality– I did not any response to this; not one person of the thousand or so that I am responsible showed an interest in being part of a community, despite being contacted frequently about problems in the area. 

                One of the side effects of this is a general decline in the pride of the area; walking round Penrith, there is dropped litter everywhere, despite the presence of litter bins.  Similarly, the presence of dog mess on the streets and along public footpaths is an increasing problem, with this being one of the biggest complaints I hear about my local ‘patch’.  I recently went for a walk around the newly finished nature reserve at Thacka Beck, where both the presence of litter and dog mess made me wonder what has happened that this is accepted behaviour anywhere.  This malaise is evident in town too – litter is dropped on the pavement, bottles and other detritus flies out of car windows, chewing gum and cigarette ends are a constant companion when walking round the town.  It’s hard to feel pride in an environment that is used as a dustbin everyday and this turns into a vicious circle.  People drop litter and so people stop caring and drop litter and people stop caring…. Then people don’t do anything when something really important happens, because they stopped caring about what goes on around them; until someone comes along and gets them wound up about things.              

                This is just what happened last year with our local cinema; it was being closed down to make way for another business, allegedly a large pub chain.  I and a few other people got upset and made a fuss – and we managed to keep our cinema – and for a while, there was a sense of pride and community as thousands of people in the Eden Valley worked together for the same purpose; this is why I became a councillor, because I realised that there is still a community and pride in the area, it’s just gone into hiding under a pile of litter!

BUT, I have a plan.  There are a number of people out there who are willing to do something to try to create pride in Penrith and these people are trying to do something about the general malaise in Penrith, including myself.  People like the group PACT (Penrith Action for Community Transition) are trying to encourage people to have a pride in the place they live, and this, while not bringing back the community spirit I grew up with, will most definitely make Penrith a nicer place to live, for all of us.  Therefore, I am going to keep on suggesting things like litter picking at local places and keep complaining about dog mess and grass verges being ruined by wagons.  I am a councillor for Eden District Council, one of the most beautiful places in Britain, and it is my job.

So, has the pride disappeared from Penrith?  Do you take your litter away with you, or do you think that it doesn’t matter if you make a mess?  What would it take for YOU to get out into your street or neighbourhood and keep it clean and tidy?  Let me know what you think – and what it will take to change things.

Don't agree with Gay Marriage? Don't get one then!

I try not to get involved in many arguments.  Really, some things are just beneath me and generally, I choose to ignore some of the homophobic things that come from the Church.  However, listening to some of the things this week, it seems that we have gone backwards in time. The newspapers and television have been carrying the story of Cardinal O'Brien using words whcih seem to liken Gay marriage to slavery and saying that it is grotesque among other things.

Now, I fully support this individuals right to his opinion, just as I am entitled to my right to think that he has an invisible friend.  But, this sort of behaviour belongs in the last century where it belongs, not in 21st Century Britain. I am in a civil partnership; I have been for a number of years now.  In my mind and to all practical purposes I am married.  I class myself as married and I have the same legal rights as someone who is married, I am to all intents and purposes, married and I am glad I live in a place where I have never encountered opposition to my sexuality and am accepted as the slightly odd individual with pink hair.

Cardinal O'Brien has the ability to have his opinion listened to.  He is a representative of an institution with millions of members and his words, if they were referencing another class of people would be considered a hate crime.  Can you imagine if he had said that women going out to work was 'dismantling a fundamental human right', or coloured people. There would be a huge outcry about this.

 The words of this person intimate that a section of the population have less right to live a happy and fulfilling life than other people.  Because I, and millions of others, find happiness with someone who happens to have the same genitalia, then We are not to be accorded the same protection as those who prefer a partner with different genitals. I do not want to be a member of an establishment who thinks that ANY other person has less right than I have to do anything.

This man is purely and simply homophobic and if his church is too, then I refuse to acknowledge it.   However, I do think that this has brought a level of homophobic behaviour to the fore that I, luckily, have not experienced and I am stunned that it is such an acceptable form of behaviour in Britain and highlights the work that still needs to be done to create a truly equal society, starting with the Church!

Pride in Penrith

This morning, I joined PACT at the Castletown side of the Thacka Beck Nature Reserve collecting rubbish along the side of the beck.  Over 20 people gave up their time and energy to pick up a variety of litter between 10 and 12.

Some of the volunteers at Thacka Beck - with a sample of the litter.

In the 2 hours we were collecting, we collected about 75 - that is SEVENTY FIVE - bags of rubbish, and a variety of strange items, within less than a square mile, which included a television and a footstool!!  There were also a LOT of undesirable things left in this potentially beautiful area; dozens and dozens of bottles of what we suspected was urine, bags of HUMAN faeces as well as the hundreds of bags of dog dirt that seem to litter any places that people walk dogs.

A TV and footstool, honestly?

It was really wonderful that all these people got together for no other reason than to try to make things better.  It was a shame that the local businesses did not get involved, with the exception of Darren Latimer at Tarmac Ltd, who cleaned all the borders of their business - and sent me a lovely email afterwards saying

It was a pleasure to be part of something that has resulted in a major transformation of what was looking like the local dump. It was good to see so many volunteers...

It is a shame that this had to be done at all.  I cannot understand what happened to our society that it has become acceptable to leave bottles of urine lying around - or bags full of poo.  Some of the rubbish, I can just about understand; the wind blows a lot in this area, so some rubbish will blow to the area.  But some of the things we found, must have been brought there deliberately; why not just carry on to the tip if you have gone to the effort of putting it in a vehicle and taking it to the Beck!

While we were cleaning on the side of the beck, Cumbria Wildlife Trust were out doing the same on the Thacka Beck Nature Reserve.  They have regular events which includes a monthly clean up at Thacka.  We discussed the dog mess problem and the fact that they can provide bins for dog owners to put the mess in, but cannot get it collected, which needs the agreement of Eden District Council.  PACT have also offered bins, but EDC seem reticent to allow these bins to be collected.

The need to hold cleaning events shows that there is something fundamentally changed in society.  It is OK to leave bags of poo (animal and human, can you tell its something that has disturbed me?) and bottles of wee lying around.  Its fine to drop litter behind you and even to bring large items and dump them.  What happened to the pride people used to have in their neighbourhoods?  What happened to common courtesy when you visited someone else's neighbourhood?  Living in Penrith, I have noticed a change over the last few years in the way that we are living and interacting with our environment and each other.  I grew up in a town where there was a sense of community; where people smiled at each other and said hello to total strangers and events were held that fostered this sense of community.  I remember that Castletown had its own Pageant and we all went to the ‘Rec’ for the day; the older people went on organised trips and there was always help if a person needed it and it saddens me that this is disappearing from the town, little by little. 


BUT, I have a plan.  There are a number of people out there who are willing to do something to try to create pride in Penrith and these people are trying to do something about the general malaise in Penrith, including myself.  People like the group PACT and the CWT are trying to encourage people to have a pride in the place they live, and this, while not bringing back the community spirit I grew up with, will most definitely make Penrith a nicer place to live, for all of us.  Therefore, I am going to keep on joining in things like litter picking at local places and keep complaining about dog mess and grass verges being ruined by wagons.  I live in one of the most beautiful places in Britain, and I want to rebuild the Pride in Penrith - one street at a time, if that's what it takes.

21st Century...Girls

There was a council meeting last night and another Councillor, Councillor Debbie Wicks (@Debbiewicks) and I (@dchs) simultaneously decided to use the power of Twitter to tweet salient pieces of information.  Well, if the Government is allowed to Tweet from the Houses of Parliament, then I (and Debbie) surely can from Eden District Council Chamber!!
                                                    

Now, I understand that there might be some reticence to the use of technology in the Council Chamber; after all, change can be hard - especially if things have been done a certain way for a long time.  I also understand that people might have concerns about the content that is being tweeted; for example, confidential matters or unkind things about other Councillors. However, I think - no, I am certain - that the ways in which a large percentage of the population are changing.  Twitter, as a platform is becoming more and more popular as the following statistics show.

• In 2007 the average was 5,000 tweets per day.
• In 2008 that had grown to 300,000.
• In 2009 tweets per day averaged 2.5 million.
• In 2010 that number was 35 million tweets per day.

In the month of March 2011 alone, 140 million tweets are being sent on average per day.

Update: As of June 2011, users on Twitter are now averaging 200 million Tweets per day.

(Taken from  http://www.marketinggum.com/twitter-statistics-2011-updated-stats/)

We live in a world where information is available instantly.  We have 24 hour news, Google has changed the speed and access of any piece of information that we might need and mobile technology such as smart phones and iPads have made this even more available.  So, it is no longer enough to have the local press at a meeting to put a piece in the local paper days later; people expect information NOW - so we should be giving it to them, while at the same time having the more traditional methods of communication, because, not everyone wants to use electronic means of communication.

So, I hope that this fledgling method of communication will not be shot down; I am fully aware that there are issues and would hope that these can be turned into protocols for safe electronic communication, which will allow me (and @Debbiewick) and any other Eden Councillor to tell anyone with a Twitter stream what we are doing in the Council Chamber!